“I hate when people say that kind of stuff because I agree, it’s a sacrifice if you’re actually a good father.”
Most people like to think that every child is loved equally — after all, that’s what most parents say.
But if you look at the decades of research and observations that have been published by various doctors, parental favoritism and preferential treatment is more than just a myth or exaggerated family lore.
The truth is that parents do tend to have a favorite child. And the consequences of it can last a lifetime.
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Just look at the long-running work of J. Jill Suitor — a professor of sociology at Purdue University — who has followed more than 550 mothers with at least two children for nearly 25 years, dating back to 2001.
Suitor asked those moms simple questions regarding the way they treat their children, including:
- Which child they spend more resources on,
- Which child they feel emotionally closer with,
- And which child they feel more disappointed in.
What she found in her research was that parental favoritism — sometimes referred to as parental differential treatment — is much more common than parents admit.
In fact, roughly two-thirds of the moms in her observations had a preferred child.
Furthermore, Suitor found that the preferred child often didn’t change as the child grew older and that the favorited child often tended to be daughters and younger siblings.
Children with similar values, such as religious and political beliefs, were also more likely to be favored.
One recent study, authored by Alex Jensen of Brigham Young University, echoed that theory — adding that children with agreeable, conscientious personality traits were more likely to be favored by a parent.
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“So, the next time you’re left wondering whether your sibling is the golden child, remember there is likely more going on behind the scenes than just a preference for the eldest or youngest,” Jensen wrote, per the American Psychological Association.
“It might be about responsibility, temperament or just how easy or hard you are to deal with,” he added.
As for children who hoped to change their status, Suitor found that doing so isn’t exactly easy.
According to her research, career accomplishments had little effect on the mother’s favoritism — and the same goes for negative connotations, such as addiction and getting in trouble with the law.
“We had moms who visited their kids in prison every week,” Suitor said in an interview with “The New York Times,” published Dec. 23.
“They said, ‘I’m very close to Johnny. This wasn’t his fault. He’s a good boy,’” she added.
How to defeat the stigma that comes with parental favoritism
It’s clear that most parents do, in fact, have a favorite or preferred child, but what does that mean for the children?
According to Jensen’s research, siblings who received preferential treatment often have better mental health, less problem behaviors, more academic success and better self-regulation.
Those who aren’t favored “tend to have poorer outcomes in these same outcomes,” per Jensen.
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But that’s not to say favored children have it easy — after all, being the favored child often comes with a level of guilt and they may feel undeserving of the extra attention, especially when favoritism is obvious.
Likewise, the non-favored siblings tend to suffer due to the inequity — and that suffering can linger for decades, if not a lifetime.
According to Dr. Laurie Kramer, who studies sibling relationships at Northeastern University, one of the best ways to reduce this impact on all siblings involved is through honest and open communication.
“We’re all thinking about it,” she told NYT. “But no one talks about these things.”
Kramer theorized that the negative impacts of parental favoritism tend to “fall away” when the children understand a parent’s reasoning for inequity — which is only possible through open discussions.
For example, let’s say one sibling needs new shoes because their current pair is all torn up.
Instead of just buying a new pair of shoes for the one sibling, parents can explain to the other children that their sibling is only getting a new pair of shoes because they need it — not because they’re a favorite.
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While parents may not always treat their children the same, researchers say clear communication can help ensure every child still feels valued.
